"...I want to float away and never come back but drugs will keep me going till I can literally float away. I tried to kill myself about a year ago and my mom found me in the shower with puke all over myself but she didn't do anything. I told her I was at a party and she forgot about the whole thing which is a shame bc deep inside I want help I think but for now I like my secretive ways. I hope my boyfriend never finds out about all my shit. He's what keeps me going and occupies my mind when I'm not thinking about food.

"I hate that I love [my eating disorder] so much, and I wish I could get it through my head that I don't have to be skeletal to be "sick." ... The [hardest part is] the constant pressure to do/be MORE; nothing is EVER enough. If I lose one pound, i scream and cry about it only being ONE. I hate that I love food and torture myself rather than just loving myself as I am.

"From the time I was little, I was taught that girls are supposed to be thin, beautiful and quiet. We aren't supposed to do anything considered unladylike. Cross your legs, smile, and above all else, look good all the time ... I think people should leave me alone about it and let me live the way I want to, or die the way I want if that's what happens. If they weren't so quick to judge me by my looks, I might not be so quick to judge myself by them ... being told I shouldn't worry so much about my looks, when I know damned well that's what most people think of when they meet me, not how smart or funny I am, but how pretty I am, who's gonna notice me anymore, if I'm not pretty any longer? ... I wish that the general public would quit implying that ed's are a disease of the young. I'm not young anymore and I know I'm not alone. This is a lifetime disease, one that doesn't just "go away". I read a Geneen Roth book the other night, and she's supposedly recovered, but you know, to me, she didn't sound it? She was still all about food, and how she looked, and I'd really like to see a book about someone mine and her age that openly admits that they are STILL anorexic, because it isn't just about how much you eat or don't eat, it's about how you feel and identify those feelings with food, or the lack of intake of food..."

"I don't feel that I'm some stupid girl that stumbled onto this site, simply because I used to be kinda a member of a pro-ana group, but then my mother found out, stuck me in therapy and though I was resistant at first, I think I've gotten a lot better, I can go out with guys now, and not cry endlessly when i get home because we might have eaten, or he thought I looked fat, I can study and get better grades because I'm not worried so much about the last time I ate. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere close to cured, I still have a lot of problems, I still have food issues, but I now know that eating disorders kill your body, and your soul."

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